Separation from a partner is often an emotionally challenging time, particularly if you have children together. Often, feelings of hurt and dislike of the other parent can develop and impact the relationship with their child. There can be occasions where one parent attempts to turn the child against the other parent, impacting on their relationship.
What is parental alienation:
There is no specific definition for parental alienation. It refers to circumstances where the child is displaying hostility towards the other parent, or is unable to develop a relationship with their other parent, who is made to feel as though they are not connected with the child.
It is more easily defined by considering alienating behaviours to identify an ongoing pattern of parental alienation.
Occasionally described as parental alienation syndrome, it is recognised as a form of psychological abuse towards the child and alienated parent.
What are alienating behaviours?
CAFCASS considers alienating behaviours to be “an ongoing pattern of negative attitudes and communication about the other parent or carer that have the potential or intention to undermine or even destroy the child’s relationship with their other parent or carer. These behaviours can result from a parent’s feelings of unresolved anger and a desire, conscious or not, to punish the other parent or carer.”
The alienating behaviour can include “negative attitudes, communications and beliefs that denigrate, demean, vilify, malign, ridicule or dismiss the child’s other parent.”
This may include telling the child false information or stories in relation to the other parent, or withholding positive information from the child.
Most commonly, it involves negative comments to the child regarding the alienated parent. This can be done by criticising them directly, or discussing the other parent where they know the child may be listening.
Communication by also be done via body language, displaying negative attitudes by shaking their head or eye-rolling in order to express their dislike of the other parent.
The alienation may not directly come from the child, and simply occurs by one parent actively excluding the other from the child’s life on repeated occasions, or encouraging the child to do so.
It can be the case that the parent may raise false allegations that they have been harmed by the co-parent, telling the child about instances that have not occurred where they were abused which causes the child to express dislike towards the other parent.
What are the common signs of parental alienation?
Common signs of parental alienation the alienated parent may note can include:
- Negative views towards the parent from the child.
- No interest from the child in developing or improving the relationship with the other parent.
- Explicit preference of the other parent regardless of their actions or attitudes.
- Lack of consideration for hurting them
- Using similar languages or actions as the other parent
- Displaying hostility or reluctance to engage with their family and friends.
- Regarding one parent as “good” and the other as “bad.”
- Excluding them from activities and daily life, such as activities at school.
- Increased arguments or aggression towards the parent
- No recognition of the positive elements of the relationship between them and the child.
- Comments from the child that they no longer wish to see them, or see them less often. Often, this can be without clear reason from the child as to why they wish to reduce contact.
- Reluctance to speak and engage with the parent.
Is parental alienation harmful to the child?
Parental alienation can cause considerable psychological damage to a child who is unreasonably isolated from the alienated parent and unable to develop a relationship with them due to manipulation from the other parent.
This can manifest in various daily behaviours and increases the risk of conflict with one or both parents as they grow and develop. The worries and anxieties a child may experience as a result of parental alienation can impact them in wider life, such as friendships, education and building relationships with others.
What can I do if I suspect my co-parent is alienating me from my child?
The primary step is to identify whether there is a course of conduct that is impacting your relationship with the child and to create records of how this is being demonstrated by your child.
It is important to identify whether there are any witnesses to the behaviour you are experiencing. This could be family members, friends or professionals that interact with you and your family such as doctors or the Local Authority.
It is important to obtain legal advice if you feel you are being alienated from your child. A formal letter to the other parent may prompt them to stop acting this way and work with you to promote your relationship with the child.
If this is not successful, and you find yourself in a situation where contact has significantly reduced or ceased completely, you may need to make an application to the court for child arrangements which formalises the contact you are to have with your child. The Court will receive your application and list the matter for a Hearing. CAFCASS will be instructed to carry out safeguarding checks.
During the Court process, the Court will consider the matter and decide whether or not parental alienation has occurred and a final order will be made in line with your child’s best interests.
What if I am being accused of parental alienation?
It may be the case that your child simply does not wish to spend time with their other parent. This could be for a range of reasons.
In some instances, you may have no alternative but to cease contact as a result of genuine safeguarding concerns and are now facing false allegations that you have alienated the other parent.
In such instances, it is important that you seek legal advice in order to respond to such allegations. In the event the matter proceeds to Court, a finding of fact hearing may become necessary to determine why contact with the other parent was reduced or stopped.
It is important to consider why contact stopped and whether any independent evidence is available, such as by way of GP records if there has been a history of abuse towards you or the child.